I Voted -- now the waiting

Now that I have voted, here are my final thoughts on the 2020 Presidential election:

As I write on October 29^th, 2020, many polls seem to be indicating a movement toward a Biden victory next week—but who knows? One thing that does seem pretty certain is that those people in the U.S. who are expressing opinions are deeply divided. While the campaign does not feel to me like it is as contentious and nasty as 2016, I cannot say whether that is because the tone is actually less abrasive, or whether our sense of civil propriety has been numbed over the past four years to the point where muddy looks clean.

Either way things turn out I am concerned. If Donald Trump is re-elected, I am concerned that, at best, we will get more of what we have seen the past four years:  the same incivility; the same indifference to the poor and disenfranchised; the same intolerance of differences of opinion; the same hostility toward immigrants and those who have labored for generations under the weight of racial and economic disparity; and the same disengagement from international commitments and cooperation. If he is re-elected, I am not sure that there is anything he could say that would allay my concerns.

If Joe Biden is elected, I am concerned about how far the pendulum will swing. While I can no longer support what the Republican party seems to have become, I also cannot fully embrace the Democratic platform—and that gives me pause. What would allay my concerns—and garner my full support—is if Joe Biden were to lay out just three priorities for his administration:

1.       Address and deal with the coronavirus pandemic. This would involve supporting health care workers and the development of an effective vaccine; implementing policies and approaches to public gatherings and personal behavior to slow the spread of the virus; and sufficient federal economic assistance so that when we emerge from under the cloud of the pandemic, we are economically viable enough to be able to work toward recovery and reduction of the debt we have incurred.

2.       Focus efforts toward making our national motto—e pluribus unum (out of many, one)—a reality. This would involve meaningful work to understand and address disparities in opportunity and achievement based on race, economic, and immigration status; meaningful and humane immigration reform that prioritizes legal immigration and clarifies refugee considerations; and civics education that promotes knowledgeable, respectful public discourse.

3.       Refresh the United States’ place in the global community of nations. This would involve restoring the view and practice that the United States is a reliable and trusted friend and ally—as well as an honest and determined adversary; and re-engaging with other nations on equitable trade, human rights, and climate concerns.

If a Biden administration could get us on track with real movement related to these three priorities, I believe that his presidency would be both a short- and the long-term success worth celebrating.

My “nightmare” scenario is that when this election cycle is over, the American people remain as polarized, divided, and entrenched as now—whether due to the actions and words of the vanquished or the victor; or the unwillingness to accept that “our” candidate came up short in the bigger, state-wide and national picture.

I cannot control what anyone else thinks or does, but I can wrangle my thoughts, words, and actions into alignment with what I believe about how we should treat one another in civil society. David Brooks wrote an opinion piece in today’s New York Times that resonated with me and I will close with his last four paragraphs:

 “Nobody has emerged unscathed. Those of us in the anti-Trump camp will be smiled upon by history I imagine, but we might pause for a moment to consider the mote in our own eye. Our own sins are the only ones we can control.

Over the past four years we've poured out an hourly flow of anti-Trump diatribes and in almost every case they rise to the top of the charts--most liked, most retweeted, most read. 

Even when justified, permanent indignation is not a healthy emotional state. We've become a little addicted to our own umbrage, addicted to that easy feeling of moral superiority, addicted to the easy affirmation bath we get when we repeat what we all believe. Trump-bashing has become a business model. Politics has become a way to define and identify your identity, and that is elevating politics to too central a place in life. He's made life all about himself, and a lot of us too readily played along.

Here’s one thing we will never be able to shake, the awareness that our basic standards of decency are more fragile than we thought; the awareness that any year, some new leader may come along and bring us back to a world of no bottom.”

What do we Americans really want?

The past few days have seen what is to me an interesting juxtaposition of ideas--the Business Roundtable on one side and the Trump Administration on the other. Certainly this duality is not the sum total of all that may drive decision-making, but it got me thinking.

The CEOs who make up the Business Roundtable came out with a statement recently (paraphrase) that the ultimate goal of a corporation is not simply to maximize shareholder return, but to enhance worker, customer, and societal benefit and value. The recent and repeated Trump statement (again paraphrase) is that because our 401ks have increased in value we must vote for Trump.

Whether there is any unique cause and effect relationship between Trump's policies and the performance of the economy I do not know. But query whether this should be the measure? Has our "American experiment" devolved to the point where the sole basis of evaluation is economic? Where the only value is money? Is it really primarily about me and mine and getting all that I can?

What about other ideals that been woven into the fabric of our culture, albeit imperfectly, from the early days--strength of community or being a refuge for the oppressed, the "different", and the  disadvantaged? What about service and shared sacrifice?

If I were to offer a word to those running for President (who are not Trump), I would suggest asking Americans of all racial backgrounds and political parties and economic status and ___________ (fill in the blank with whatever grouping you want to provide) to consider what type of a country do we truly want to be?

Do we really want to be a country where the primary measure of value is the checking account or 401k balance? Do we really want to be a country where we pursue what we want for ourselves above any considerations of the global common good? Do we really want to be a country that only supports and values our international relationships when it serves our interests? Do we really want to be a country that cannot be depended on to keep our promises and to fulfill our mutually-agreed obligations? If so, then maybe we already have the political leadership that we deserve. 

I cannot quite bring myself to believe that is the kind of country that most of us truly want. I understand that my perspective is probably biased because I have had great educational, career, and economic advantages. I have been surrounded by extended family and friends who have cared for me and wanted me to succeed. I have had strong role models in life and faith that have kept me humbled and connected.

I hope that what most Americans truly want is to be a country that is known for our generosity, open-handed hospitality, and community. To be a country where no one stands alone. Where no one needs to be without an advocate or necessary support system. Where everyone has opportunity and encouragement to improve our lives and the lives of our communities and families. I hope that most Americans want to be a country that stands in support of the oppressed around the world. That keeps our promises and that is a respected and valued partner in addressing the growing trans-national problems facing the entire global community. Where our leaders serve and earn our respect and admiration.

Pollyanna-ish? Probably. Unattainable? Perhaps. Worth striving for and pursuing? Unquestionably. You see, unless we take action nothing will change. Unless "we the people" clamor for change and difference, it won't just happen. We either need to start or give up and give in to decline and defeat. And one of my hopes is that the choice becomes very clear between now and November 2020--and the we choose wisely.

Now, Then, and After Then

In the midst of a world that continues to feel like it has been rocked to its core--personally, nationally, politically--it feels like I have a limited capacity to think about things. And very few answers. A few weeks ago I read Kate Bowler's "Everything Happens for a Reason:  And Other Lies I've Loved" and she nailed it for me:

"I am stuck in present tense. With a scan around each corner I have lost the ability to make extended plans; to reach into the future and speak its language. I have lost the rhythm of anticipating the seasons."

Living life in 8-week increments has allowed us several cycles of chemo holiday, but the clock starts ticking again the minute we walk out of MD Anderson. I am thankful for every 8-week holiday--as I should be--but it does not mute the incessant ticking of the clock. The odd part of all of this is that every person on earth is living in the shadow of the ticking clock. But it has taken cancer to take the clock off of mute and raise it to awareness every day.

And while I feel mostly stuck in "present tense" as Bowler describes, I battle with a strong desire to look ahead to try to at least be able to imagine some semblance of a hopeful, longer-term future. Right now I feel like I can work within a framework of three seasons of life to consider: Now, Then, and After Then.

Now is when Carmen is feeling pretty good with few limitations--no chemo (at least until the beginning of August); no surgery; no hospital; no travel restrictions or dramatic physical decline.

Then is when Carmen goes back into chemo; physical decline; and eventually her life is shortened and ended by the cancer.

After Then is when Carmen fully experiences total peace, comfort, satisfaction, and fulfillment in the presence of God. And it is when I will support my kids, grieve for myself, and work to find some hopeful future, meaning, purpose, and engagement until my earth-clock stops ticking.

In the Now, we are seeking to keep things as normal as possible. But with a heightened appreciation for what we have together and can experience. In the Then, I will strive to support and comfort to the greatest extent possible. In the After Then, I will support the kids, grieve, and find a new cadence of life that respects our 34+ years together, but does not live only in photographs and memories.

Honestly, I have no real idea of what that looks like. All I know is that I feel like I really want to be able to imagine a meaningful, hopeful, and pleasant future. Although it will be broken, I will still want my heart to be able to smile.

Life's Not Fair ... and I am completely OK with that

Been thinking a lot about fairness lately--especially as many people have expressed their frustration/anger/disappointment that Carmen's cancer is "not fair". What did she/we do to deserve this? Nothing at all. But at the same time, what did we do to deserve many other parts of the life that we have had.


Did we do anything to deserve the three amazing and wonderful young women we know as our daughters? Certainly not enough to deserve them. How about the three godly, strong, and perfectly-suited men we know as our sons-in-law? Absolutely not. Have we lived well enough to deserve the three beautiful, capable, thoroughly enjoyable granddaughters that we are privileged to get to know more and more? Not a chance! Have we done anything to deserve the 30+ years that we have had together with a lifetime of memories packed in tight?


People certainly seem to have a much easier time embracing the good that we do not deserve than the bad that we do not deserve. But would I rather have everything be fair? Or would I rather get what I deserve? No. If I get what I deserve--for good or for ill--then there is no room for grace. Because grace is getting what I do not deserve.


In the spiritual sense grace is essential, because I could never live a good enough life to deserve God's favor or to merit His kind thoughts and actions towards me. If I was limited to what I deserve, then I would pay in the flesh and soul for every harsh word uttered, every improper thought expressed, and every selfish deed. (And I am not so self-deluded as to think that my kind words, or uplifting thoughts, or noble deeds would outweigh their negative counterparts.) I prefer grace over what I deserve because it is my only hope. And if I am going to be good with not getting what I deserve on the upside, then I can be disappointed, upset, and angry about Carmen's cancer, but I cannot shake my fist at the sky and cry "this is not fair!"


Make no mistake, I am not a fatalist, and I care very deeply about our current disease fight. But I neither blame God, nor do I feel that this should not be happening to us because we don't deserve it. No matter the outcome in the near term, I would not trade the good that we have not deserved to get out of this. AND, I am utterly confident that whatever comes in the near term, our experience of long term grace will make these weeks and months seem like but a fleeting moment.


Press On!

End Game?

I have been following (or partly following) this week's emerging and expanding news accounts of the "involvement" of the Russians in our last election.  But today I find myself asking, "What is the end game of these investigations and hearings?"  If the actions of Mr. Trump and/or his associates was prosecutably criminal, then that may lead down the path of impeachment.  Even if it is demonstrated that Mr. Trump succeeded in the 2016 election "because of" Russian involvement, I cannot envision a situation where the election results would be nullified and the office given to Mrs. Clinton.  

But what if the sum of these actions does not rise to the level of criminality?  What if the actions of Mr. Trump's surrogates and associates was merely (merely?) reprehensible and morally outrageous?  At that point (full disclosure=I believe that we have already crossed that line), I think that the Republican leadership needs to disavow Mr. Trump and cut him adrift.  That may be a difficult political choice, but I know that I am watching to see what happens over the next few weeks.  If the Republican leadership continues to allow Mr. Trump to hijack the Party, then I, for one, will be looking for a new political home.