Reflecting on Emma's Passing

My dear friend Dan,

There are no words--quite simply no words in and of themselves--that can contain a parent's grief; that can soothe the unthinkable; that can answer all (or really any) of the inevitable questions; that can offer what you may need. I wish I could be there--not to say anything, but just to be present with you. That would be the best that I could offer you.

But there is presence behind some words. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. All things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted. The presence behind these words give them their power. There is no power or real comfort in the words alone, but in the One who spoke the words--who speaks the words.

You have reminded me often that the One who speaks these words is worth listening to. That He has something worthwhile to say. And you have been right. You still are--His words are backed by His power and His peace passes understanding. I certainly do not understand how it works, but we both trust the One who says that it does--that He does.

Pain is a bullhorn that shouts something. I can only imagine that your current pain may feel like it is shouting loss and despair and emptiness. Those things are real, but they are not everything. What if your pain today is also a pointer to something good and hopeful--that this life is not all that there is; that our future life with God is even more real and valuable and desirable than what we temporarily have in the here and now.

As Dads, we spend so much time providing and protecting, and I do know--in some measure--how it feels when our best efforts seem to come for naught. When we feel unable to provide or protect. Over the past few months I have wrestled with how God fits in this picture and my conclusion has been that I am not God, but He is. It is not my universe, it is His. I cannot draw out good results from tragedy, but He can. I cannot offer peace that passes understanding, but He does.

I am glad that you have lots of people who can be physically present with you. You all have invested in others through the years--time, energy, prayers. In this season, you have the opportunity to allow others to be for you what you have been for them--and I hope that you will feel as supported and blessed as you have made others feel.

I love you my friend and will continue to pray for and lift you all up from afar. Let's talk again soon!

Ride Forrest Ride

At about mile 64 of yesterday's century, I went over 4000 miles in 2012. (That would be like riding from Minneapolis to London--but drier.) I did not begin the year with a goal of 4000+ miles and it was never a "bucket list" item for me. In many ways, it has just happened. I do not have a lot of long rides (only three of 100 miles or more), but there were not many weeks where I missed more than a day or two. Quite a few rides between 15 and 25 miles and now 4000+. I have worn out a few tires, but have only had 3 flats this whole year--and two of them were yesterday! Most of my rides have been alone, but some of my best times this year have been riding with Carmen, Abby, and my friend Jeff.

Riding has given me time to think and pray. It has allowed me to meet some strangers along the way--from Broadway Cycle shop rides to Brett from Round Rock, Texas whom I talked with yesterday for the first 22 miles or so. It has been a point of personal discipline of getting on the bike whether I feel like it or not. And of the accomplishment of tackling a tough ride into the wind (and uphill both outbound and inbound). I have seen some beautiful countryside, like the top of the hill overlooking Pelican Lake, and some things that I have never seen before, like the cotton fields and big bales outside of Austin yesterday.

This milestone is not a destination, but is a point of note on a continuing journey.

This reminds me a lot of how a journey with God ought to develop. A beginning point and then more or less steady growth over time. This may not be everyone's experience, but I think that it is the most long-lasting. I know that when I have set out to take a "big" growth step it is usually short-lived at best. My grand intentions are smashed on the granite of inconsistency. But when I resolve to simply do the next right thing, or take the next step, and then do it over and over, before long I find that real, sustainable progress is being made.

This may seem ironic to those who know me, but one of the keys for me is to not think too much about the end result, but instead to give greater attention to what I must do today. This has not always been how I have felt, but it seems to be an approach that is working better. Yesterday's ride was very difficult--20 mph wind after mile 22 that was either a headwind or a strong crosswind). Later in the ride, if my only thought would have been the 30 or 40 miles remaining the feeling could have become paralyzing pretty quickly. But by bringing my focus to enduring through the next 5 miles, the overall task felt more doable. At any given point in time I might not have been able to envision slogging through another 30 to 40 miles, but I could see the next 5 miles as being halfway to Jeff and Jeanne's house.

Thinking of praying for God's work in each country of the world may be daunting, but deciding to pray for one country each day is something that I can do. I cannot reasonably sit down and read through the entire Bible in a week or so, but I can decide each day to read a few pages that day. And after taking these steps day by day, little by little I will be able to look back and see progress.

Every ride during the months leading up to yesterday's milestone was not better than the ride before. Each new ride was not a new personal best. But looking back today over 9 1/2 months of concerted activity, I am a much stronger rider than I was in January. May that also become more true about my faith.

Pressing on,
-Ken

Ahhhhh--now that felt good

Friday after work I managed to squeeze in a quick 26 miler before the rain started (and continued all day Saturday). The move to Houston, starting a new job, and living out of a hotel (flashbacks to senior year of high school) have meant that my time for riding is tighter. Getting out for a longer ride on Friday felt so good. Not the good of hurting from a hard workout, but the good of spending a good chunk of time with an old friend. Make no mistake, the ride took a fair bit of exertion, but it was well worth the tiredness later in the evening for the joy of the ride itself. Not to mention that I need some significant saddle time in advance of next Saturday's century (Pineywoods Purgatory).

I have felt a similar freshness with church for a couple of weeks. Coming to a new city where I do not know anyone and I do not know of any churches poses a bit of a daunting task--find a new church community where we will probably have some of our closest relationships for the next several years. Where to begin the search? The names over the door frames are familiar, but what does "Baptist"or "Methodist" of "Community" mean in Texas? I had a pretty good idea of what was what in Minnesota, but here--where there are more eastern religion places of worship than Lutheran churches--where does one look to find a new family?

At the same time, there is a freshness to walking through the front door of a church and being there for the primary purpose of meeting with God. I don't have any church meetings or serve on any committees. I don't have people I need to see if I can catch them between services. I am just looking to see where God is in that place. It is a bit refreshing.

Of course, through all of the uncertainty of church-hunting, one thing remains the same. The Bible that I read for the past 20+ years in Minnesota has the same words here in Texas. And more than that, the same Author behind the words.

Today I am going over to Grace Fellowship United Methodist in Katy, Texas. I found out that they are in a sermon series looking at the book of Isaiah. So this week I spent some time in the text for the day so that I can be ready to listen, learn, and be inspired. It has felt good to sit back and just read what God said, and says, through His prophet. To be reminded that this world has a destination and that the destination is in God's hand--despite how things may appear in the meantime.

There is a hope. There is a future. And it is good!

Pressing on,
-Ken

Too many inputs

The purpose of this blog was initially to be a place where I could reflect, in writing, on the things that I pondered while I ran. I felt like it served that purpose well. Then I was told that I really needed not to run any longer in order to preserve what little cartilage was left in my knees. Biking and/or swimming were to be my new athletic outlets. I feel fortunate that I enjoy--and have grown to love--biking. (Swimming not so much.) I feel certain that if I were told to be sedentary, then the decline would be swift and unattractive.

What has perplexed me over the past several months is that I do not feel like I think and reflect when I am biking as I did when I was running. It is not that I have figured everything out and no longer need to mull things over. Is it that I simply do not have any more meaningful thoughts? I hope not. So what happened to the steady flow of things to reflect on? I think that there is too much else going on with biking.

Running is pretty easy in the sense that one foot goes down after the other and, once you have a route planned, there is not too much to think about. Breathing pretty much takes care of itself, as does balance. Biking is a different story. I must be attentive to traffic, staying on the road and upright, alert to hazards on or beside the road. Not to mention my computer inputs--elapsed time and distance, heart rate, cadence, speed--and other mechanical decisions to make--large chainring or small? What gear works best up or down this hill? On the bike I never have the feeling of time simply passing while my body goes on autopilot. And perhaps with all of the "noise" connected with biking, I simply do not have the brain capacity to also think deep (for me) thoughts.

I wonder whether this translates to relationships? Do I allow my days to get so packed with things to do or think about that I do not make time for friends? Or for time with God? Not because I actively devalue others, but just because I have used up all of my available attentiveness on the "cycling computer" inputs of daily living. I don't think that I like this very much. I want to make time and energy for people who matter to me.

But I am beginning to think that the answer may not be found in trying harder to pay attention. Perhaps it starts in making space that is not filled with other things that will allow time and energy that are not distracted, but that I can invest where those things can matter most--meaningful relationships with people who matter.

Pressing on,
-Ken

27,375

If a person lives to age 75, they will be entrusted with approximately 27,375 days. There are a variety of ways that people look at their 27,375. Some look at that number and think, "That is a lot of days." Not giving much thought at all to the reality that every day one more day is subtracted from the "yet to be lived" column. Others think that 27,375 is such a large number that they really have no need to be thoughtful about how those days are used. Some people only give consideration to their 27,375 once the remaining number gets very small. Oddly enough, I do not know of anyone who has consistently been mindful of using each of the 27,375 to the fullest and best.

Perhaps it is a bit Pollyanna-ish to think that anyone would devote the time and energy to monitoring the use of their time to that level of detail. It might seem absurd to live a life that is so structured that every day is fully deployed for the greatest good. After all, we still have to do chores and go to work and change diapers and clean up after supper. Then there is the newest episode of the XYZ Show and who could stand to miss this game or that.

Every Sunday I read the obituaries in the Star Tribune. Not because of some morbid curiosity, but to remind myself that life is fleeting and many times the end of earthly life comes without much warning. Death is a certainty. A couple of weeks ago I was struck by this reality again as it seemed that many of the obituaries were for people around my age. I am not surprised to read of people in their 80's who have passed on, but there seemed to be a disproportionate number of people in their mid-50's and it caught my eye. It brought me back to this issue of how I am using/investing the days that I have been entrusted with. And not even on some grand "save the world" kind of level, but even more on the mundane and daily level. Do the things that I am doing for work produce value and good for those whom I am serving? Am I treating my co-workers and clients in redemptive and encouraging ways? Am I taking the time for that quick conversation out in the yard that is what neighbors do? Are the things that I am doing for recreation truly restorative and refreshing? Are the things that I am reading sharpening my mind and making me think deeper thoughts? Am I investing my 27,375 (or the 8,000 or so remaining) or just using them?

This has not been an easy exercise because it requires a mental diligence and tenacity that I find tiring these days. Then again, floating downstream is always the easy way to go. All too often I find myself having "wasted" a day or a week without realizing what has happened. I have been busy working, doing tasks, and passing the time, but for what value? During June, I am trying an experiment. At the end of each day I am pausing to assess whether the day was used well or wasted. Not a detailed analysis, but a basic thumbs-up or thumbs-down. My hope is that this discipline will help me to make those assessments more in real time--do I spend the next hour doing X or doing Y? My expectation is that I will find the first part of the month to be disappointing. I will be confronted with my shallowness and self-absorption. With my lack of considered and thoughtful investment of a non-renewable resource. With a sense of spinning my wheels.

At the same time, it is my hope that by the end of June I will begin to offload that which is not helping me to manage what remains of my 27,375 in godly and others-serving ways. It may be possessions, or interests, or patterns of thinking and living. I just don't yet know. But I am rather excited about the journey of discovery. If a different way of using the next 26 makes the remainder of my 27,375 better, then it will be 26 that are invested well.

Pressing on,
-Ken